Stephen
by Ruthyroo
Summary: A one shot of Brendan's true feelings for Stephen :


**Stephen**

Stephen Hay...

who would have thought a man like me, would fall in love with a boy like him….love? Yeah love, and I do; with every part of my being. I've made a lot of mistakes, done terrible things to him but my feelings never change, if only he could see what lies in my soul, all the feelings that I have for him in my heart; then maybe he wouldn't hate me so much. Every time I see him I want to touch him in some way, be with him, I crave him all of the time. I close my eyes and remember the way he used to look at me and the thought of never seeing that look again tears me apart. I've tried to tell him how I feel before but I can never find the words, I usually just say something stupid and make it worse. He thinks I have no heart, he thinks I infect people and maybe he's right, but when it comes to him he's wrong.

I would do anything for him and I mean anything, if only he would give me the chance, I wouldn't let him down, not this time. I know deep down he's given me too many already but I'm hoping that he will give me one more. It seems stupid that we're not together now, everyone knows I'm gay, everyone knows we were together so then why are we apart? I don't want to be apart from him any more, but I can't deal with all these feelings, I've never had them like this before, so what am I supposed to do? Doesn't he see how difficult it is for me? He knows me so well and I seem to punish him for it, like I did the last few times I hit him and when I sacked him and kissed that random guy, the look on Stephen's face that night still haunts me. He just doesn't get it does he?

Can't he see all the things I do are for him, even the bad stuff in a messed up way, are for him. I just wish he would see some good in me, like he used to. He was mine, I had him but I used him, threw him away because I was too ashamed to admit that I was gay and that I wanted to be with him. I destroyed him, broke his heart by not being with him but in doing that I destroyed myself too, because he was all I wanted. Years of being called a little queer and being told how wrong and disgusting it was made me this way; Stephen made me feel like I could change, like I could be something better but then when it's put to the test I fail every time, does he really think that I don't care for him? His opinion of me isn't very good, even now when I'm trying to be nice, but the more he resists me, the more he ignores me, the more determined I am to have him, am I just playing games – or do I really want him? Of course, the answer is both.

His life is so different now, he is different, he's stronger, wiser and determined never to take anything from me ever again. Why do we continue to hurt eachother all the time? I know it's because we both still care; he just hasn't realised it yet. He's playing hard to get and that's fine with me, makes me want him even more. I've hurt him, I get that I do but sooner or later he'll come back to me, he has to. I make sure I bump into him most days, it's like I need my fix of him. It was so easy before, when he worked for me I could have it all the time but now I have to make the effort and I'm sure he deliberately stays out of my way, too busy with Douglas no doubt. I know I have no right to be angry but I am, I can't help it. I'm jealous of Douglas, why when I have a face like mine? But he's the one who gets to spend time with him now and whoever spends time with Stephen is lucky, I'd give anything for one more day with him. That endless chatter, the lustful looks he would give me, the way life seemed perfect as long as he was with me, all that is gone now.

He might not ever admit to still caring for me, he might even realize that his life is better off without me, what will I do if he decides that? I won't give up though, I will worm my way back into his life he won't even realize it, I won't stop trying; not ever. Back in August when I told him how I felt I meant it, every word. I've never loved anyone before, I didn't even think I knew what love was until I met him. We have never been apart this long, the longest time before was when he was with Noah, or as I like to call him; Muscle Mary. But I soon put a stop to that didn't I? and he soon came asking for me back. But this time feels different, it's been eight months and nothing, but then I am the one who's pushed him away.

I have to keep trying and I have to believe that we'll be together again, because the thought of a life without him is no life at all, I know now more than ever how I feel for him; I just find it hard to open up; to express myself. I'd do anything not to feel this way for him, is it really my fate to love him but not to have him? I just can't imagine my life without him, Stephen.

**_please read and review :) xxxxxxxxxxxx_**


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